The other day in the vegan restaurant, i had to use the restroom. Even though they use natural cleaning products, the smell was SO intense for me, that i had an immediate headache and my asthma kicked in. i pulled my shirt over my face and breathed as shallowly as i could. But when i went to open the door, i could not get the lock to let go. i can not even begin to explain the absolute terror that took over me. It was a purely physical reaction that then kicked into my mind. i did my best to calm my breathing and my mind, but people do not understand what Lyme Disease does to both the body and the mind. i can not truly explain what it is like other than to say that in this moment, EVERY tool i have in my mental, spiritual, and emotional toolbox would not work. i did not have my phone and i did not have my inhaler as i had left both at the table. i literally collapsed onto the floor, pounding on the door, begging for someone to come and let me out. i am soooooooooo incredibly grateful that someone who worked there was nearby and heard my pounding and helped me get the door open. "Grazie Mille! Grazie Mille!!" i repeated over and over, my body shaking uncontrollably.
i am the woman who lived for over two years in a tree surviving things most people will never be subjected to. But now, tiny bacteria combined with car wrecks where i was hit from behind without seeing them coming, have reduced me to a hyper-sensitize, over reactive mess.
As i write this, i am crying because i am just so raw right now. i am so tired of trying to be strong all the time. i am totally and completely exhausted.
There is a band Imagine Dragons and they have a song "RADIOACTIVE" that really speaks to me right now.
The first link combines two of their songs, is live, and is completely and totally amazing to me.
Love and Tears,